My name is Zephyr Hazuki Campbell, and I am half-Japanese and half white. Being born and raised in America, I have been afraid to confront my Japanese identity. Lacking the looks and fluency of a full-Japanese person, I stick out like a sore thumb every time I go to Japan. In America, my appearance is of a full Asian. In Japan, my appearance is of a full caucasian.
Although I understand and speak enough Japanese to get me by, I am looked down upon by many, being spoken to in English, receiving stares, etc. This gap in my identity has been sufficient to create the biggest insecurity of mine: being a “fake” Japanese. However, I didn’t want to give up on half of my identity.
Every time I went to Japan, I would hide behind my mother and rely on her to do everything for me: I relied on her to be my voice and thoughts. As ashamed as I felt about it, I found it to be a lot better than embarrassing myself by forgetting my words out of nervousness.
No matter how hard I studied kanji and grammar, I still could feel my face growing hotter and redder when faced with a face-to-face conversation: with the convenience store worker, with a passerby, simply anyone.
I eventually felt the accumulation of this exhaustion of living in constant anxiety over myself. Especially since my dream is to live in Japan and to gain fluency in Japanese, I knew I had to get over it sooner or later. I was given the opportunity by my mom to solo travel to Japan at 15. I was extremely hesitant at first, saying that I would not go without my mom. However, after some thought, I realized that I would never get another chance like this. Although I’d still be around my family members in Japan, I never really got the chance to know them well as I’d always hide behind mymother. I saw this as a chance. A chance to start the journey to getting over my fears and biggest insecurity, and to connect with my family.
So I accepted the offer. I bought my plane ticket and my departure day came. I walked with my mom to my gate in the Charlotte airport, with tears in my eyes. This would be the first time that I was leaving her. This was the first time that I would become my own voice and thoughts. I had a lot more fun than I anticipated during my travels. The real anxiety came when I landed at the Haneda airport in Japan. When it came to speaking English and being at home in America, I had zero issues with my confidence. It was the exact opposite in Japan. My heart was beating out of my chest when I came in to pick up my checked bags. I wanted to turn and run, but I couldn’t leave without my bags. When I spoke with the attendant, I realized that I could understand most of what she was saying. I realized the only thing making the situation difficult was my clouded judgement and nervousness. The attendant was kind and patient with me, and helped out when I was unsure about what she was saying.
This was when I realized that not everyone was looking down on me. I realized how close-minded I had been to automatically assume something about an entire group of people. People I identified with. Because Japan is a homogenous country, they are not necessarily used to seeing people like me, especially in the countryside where I stay. Speaking to me in English was their way of showing their uncertainty yet kindness, as they tried to communicate in a way that I would understand best. Although I still found it to be quite frustrating, I came to terms with it and understood that everyone was trying to show their compassion.
The rest of my month-long visit went smoothly. I got to know my uncle and aunt better, and I ultimately gained a better understanding of both myself and the world around me as a result of simply taking a chance. I opened up more, and became my own voice. I talked to people I always hid from, the housemaid and my mother’s childhood friend, and got to become quite acquainted with them. I now converse with them cheerfully every time I go visit.
Although this insecurity of mine hasn’t fully gone away, I am more open about it and continue to make my efforts to resolve it. However, plane tickets and opportunities to go to Japan are not as affordable as one would think. A financial scholarship would allow me to take the full initiative to resolve my insecurity even further. I would be able to get a head start on my dream of living in Japan and gaining fluency by attending college in Japan through an exchange program— or even permanently. Only having visiting Japan over the summer, seeing Japan in all of its seasons and perspectives through attending school would allow for me to integrate myself into its society and prepare me for the future. By attending college in Japan, I would be able to receive hands-on language practice by being forced to be my own voice and representation. This opportunity would ultimately allow for me to grow and become more confident as a person, as I would be faced to confront my fears head-on once again, but for a lot longer than one month.
