It is Wednesday and my stomach feels like it is doing cartwheels. The butterflies are no longer just fluttering within me but having a whole dance party with cha cha lines. Now my leg is bouncing and I can’t stop the anxiety from consuming me. This is what happens when I remember that I have a cross country race this weekend. In the days leading up to the race there is nothing else I can think about other than my fears for the weekend. However, unlike others, my fear is not about the pain that I am about to endure for 20 minutes as I push myself to my physical limit, I am afraid of failing at reaching the time I want and letting my parents and coach
down.
Throughout my high school cross country career I had one major goal in mind: run a 19 minute 5K. Yet, my fear of failing at this goal is what kept me from running with the sense of freedom required for me to reach it. Before every race my thoughts were not on my competition, the exciting atmosphere, or my personal pacing strategy, instead my mind was filled with images of my parents and my coach being disappointed once again that I am not hitting the times that I was supposed to. My goal was to not fail when it should have been to put my best effort into succeeding. Ultimately, running with a scared mindset caused me to hold back in races and give in when my brain tells me that I am tired, keeping me from ever running under 20 minutes.
However, this mindset was not only in the realm of running but also became more prominent as college applications became a heavy focus of my life last year. Instead of looking for the college that would be the best fit for me and opening up my options I was consumed by the fear that I would not find the right home for the next 4 years and all of my work in high school would be for nothing.
Once again, I was living with the fear of failing at the end goal instead of focusing on enjoying the journey to my version of success. This left me in an endless state of fear that led to late nights, mental breakdowns, and my mind constantly telling me that I am not good enough to reach my goals. Overall, my fear of failure kept me from stepping out of my comfort zone and enjoying this stage of my life.
However, a major turning point for me happened when I was crying at a track meet after running my slowest mile time ever. I felt hopeless as I struggled to run the times I did before and my self worth was massively declining, when my coach pulled me aside for a chat. I couldn’t look at him because I thought that I would only see eyes of disappointment and I felt like I once again let someone, who put so much of their time and energy into seeing me succeed, down. Yet, I was moved when I heard him say that there are more ways to impact this team than the times I run. I talked to him for a long time as I poured out my fears that hold me back in races and he reassured me that instead of focusing on personal times I should be stepping out of my comfort zone to uplift other girls on the team and be a leader who has team goals in mind. Overall, we discussed the need to be focused on the journey and leaving the team in a better place than I found it.
As I step into this next chapter of my life, attending Wake Forest University, I continue to struggle with fearing failure but I am working to be better about enjoying the journey and the process it will take me to pursue my dreams. I am afraid of failing at fitting in, completing my degree at the academic standard I hold myself to, and ultimately finding success after college. However, if I keep allowing myself to stay within the box that is my comfort zone I will be wasting the resources that my parents, teachers, and community members provide me with and I will constantly wonder “what if” I took that leap or opportunity even if it meant hitting rock bottom after. My dream would be to use my degree in applied statistics from Wake Forest to become a data analyst for a professional sports team or political campaign. This is a highly competitive field that doesn’t have a straightforward path to success, which scares me, but if I were to continue saying “someday” I am only going to look back with regrets and I will not be living with gratitude at enjoying the journey and growth it will take to get there. Overall, I already allowed my fear of failure to take away my love for a sport and keep me from achieving my personal goals in XC. I am not going to allow it to hold me back as I pursue my dreams in my postsecondary career and beyond.
