If I’m being honest, the biggest thing that is holding me back from achieving my goals is me. I often overthink things. And if I’m really being honest, “often” is an understatement.
Throughout most of high school, I’ve held myself back from trying new things and even pursuing the things about which I care because I was scared. I let excuses get in the way of allowing myself to grow. I stepped back from opportunities because I didn’t feel qualified or because I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time. I let fear be in charge of my life. I let it take the wheel.
In my junior year, I decided to take back the wheel and to take a risk. I tried out for Ardrey Kell’s field hockey team. This may not sound like a very big risk, but for me, it was massive. There are not strong enough words to describe my lack of athletic prowess. I don’t mean this in a self-deprecating way. I am just aware that I am more naturally drawn to artistic activities. I tried out for field hockey because I knew, even though it wasn’t something that came easily to me, it was time for me to stop wondering “what if?” It was time I stopped hiding behind my wall of excuses.
I was so terrified my first few practices that I wasn’t sure if I was puking because of sheer terror or if it was all the running. Truthfully, it was likely a combination of the two. I ended up making the JV team that year and eventually went on to play on the varsity team again this year.
The experience ended up being transformational for me. It challenged me in ways I hadn’t imagined. Most importantly, it challenged me mentally. I learned to push my body past its limits and to not let my mind hold me back. I learned to embrace failure rather than avoid it. I found values in “failing fast” as I learned a sport completely unfamiliar to me. Athletics in general were completely unfamiliar to me. One of the most important lessons I learned in field hockey was to trust my gut when making decisions. During a game you don’t have time to pauseand weigh the pros and cons of an action or to talk yourself through making a choice. You just have to make one. This is a lesson I want to embrace as I move on to my next chapter. It is very easily a lesson I could’ve missed if I had let fear of discomfort and the unknown win again.
I know most everyone is at least somewhat fearful of starting college, so I don’t think I’m unique in saying that the thought of starting college is something I find anxiety-inducing. That being said, I am genuinely terrified of starting college. It’s essentially an experience for me where everything is completely new and outside of my comfort zone. I am by nature introverted and shy. I am the eldest of four children and have spent most of my life doing things alongside my family. I regretfully have terrible navigation skills. There are a million excuses I could use to decide that college isn’t for me or even to choose a college where I would still live at home and stay within my comfortable support system. But those choices wouldn’t challenge me. They wouldn’t force me to learn how to be independent. If I resign myself to them, I will never get to know what I could have accomplished. I know starting college isn’t going to be an easy experience for me. In fact, in all truth, right after I committed, I was overcome with a sense of dread. I’m not expecting these feelings to just magically go away, but I’m ready to acknowledge that pursuing my dream of getting a college education, preparing for a career of service to others, and learning to live independently is worth pushing past that discomfort and uncertainty.
Earning this scholarship will help to equip me with the financial means to earn my collegiate education at NC State University. I know my story might not be the flashiest or even the most inspiring, but it’s real. A wise poet once said: “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all.”“Princess Diaries, 2001.” I’m ready to take a chance. I’m ready to trade in my list of why nots for a new “why not.”
